The United States Cheated the United Kingdom (again)

Following the state visit of their Obamishnesses to the United Kingdom, it emerged that the United States after all their protests of eternal friendship cheated again and in a backhanded vicious attack condemned the United Kingdom to face the final punishment.

Cheryl Cole

Their Obamishnesses were in London again (one wonders if they are ever anywhere else) clocking up congestion charges and generally making life difficult for real people. During their visit at Buckingham Palace and on several other occasions, they protested the eternal friendship The US holds for the United Kingdom. Why then was the United Kingdom punished in an unprecedented way immediately after they left?

The United Kingdom was friendly enough to give the President back unharmed to the United States. In return, though, the retaliated by sending us back Cheryl Cole. Is there any country in the world that deserves such a punishment? They could have sent her to Guantanamo instead, couldn’t they?

For months, Britain has been one continuous street party and the media were aglow with happiness; two of the most untalented and uninspiring self-proclaimed celebrities had left for the US and we could finally hope for better times. While Simon Cowell obviously bribed enough people not to be kicked out immediately again, Cheryl Cole failed in taking the US as she fails in everything she does.

It is absolutely inconceivable how this could have happened. Was her Shakespearean English too complicated for American audiences? Or did her Einsteinean intellect put them off? Could her Seinfeldean wit have been too much to bear?

Everything else must just have captivated her audience, as we all know just too well. Her natural charms are many; her nylon hair cascades in natural curls so pleasing over her bony shoulders; her smile is so beguiling when she shows off her expensive dentures; and her glued-on nails and lashes just enhance her natural beauty. Her youthful looks (on a par with the Duchess of Cornwall if less vivid) couldn’t fail to make an impression, a rather deep one if you ask her wrinkles vying with the Grand Canyon for depths. And last, but by no means least, her beautiful singing voice, missing every tone even in monotone, sends crowds crazy (about like swarming bees).

So why did the US send her back? Was it in retaliation for sending back Madonna to the US? While that would be understandable, it still couldn’t be compared in negative impact on the national psyche. However you look at it, it can’t be construed as anything but a diplomatic affront. This struggling country had just started to enjoy the beauty of the vacancies left behind by those two lumps of show business. Recession is a joy compared to the mere thought of having to put up with a non-English speaker back on the X-Factor.

Reports that the government is trying to block her passport to keep the country from falling into universal despair have not been either denied or acknowledged so far. But desperate times demand desperate measures, let’s hope she can somehow be nailed down wherever she is (despite the fact that this is in breach of human rights of the people who have to suffer her presence).

Further reading
Louis Thomlinson: The Minder of One Direction
JLS: Selling Off Aston
Most Wanted: The Wanted